Like most parents, we stumble through the trials and tribulations of trying to reason with our toddlers. It’s tough to talk to, much less negotiate with, someone who is just as likely to accuse Bob the Builder of trying to smother him in his sleep as he is to respond to us. Our oldest will be three years old in a few weeks, so we realized it’s time to step up our efforts to ditch the binky because we all know if you use a binky for one moment past your third birthday, you are irreversibly scarred for life with a 68% chance of living in a van down by the river. (#scientificfact)
So the wife and I discussed it for days, and to be honest, we had nothing until finally, the solution hit me in the middle of the night. I woke up drenched in the cold sweat of my own genius and immediately began to map out a strategy to implement my idea, which I pitched to my wife the next morning via a highly professional PowerPoint presentation.“Okay, so the problem is the binky is an addictive comfort? All we need to do is find something the kid will like better than a binky and we’re all set!”
My wife is smart enough to know a good solution when she hears one, so we put our heads together to decide what we should replace the binky with. I knew I was right to include her in the plan when she showed off her world‐class organizational skills and began making a list. This is why we’re such a great parenting team. Hours later, we finally had our answer.
Instead of a binky, we would get our toddler to start smoking cigarettes.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. Did these people even bother to research this equally innovative and bold parenting decision?
Well, of course we did. To be honest, it’s more than a little insulting for you to even ask.
What do kids like more than cartoons, right? How can you possibly go wrong convincing your kids to be as cool as Fred and Barney back in the 1960’s?
The only thing we found in our research to give us pause were some mumbo‐jumbo sciency‐things claiming cigarettes are bad for you, but then again, how can you believe everything you see on the internet? We just chalked it up to some snowflake libtard trying to spread fake news and soldiered on like the amazing parents we know we are.
The biggest debate was trying to decide what brand to get our little man started on. I made a big push to get in on this e‐cigarette craze, but the wife has real concerns about limiting the kids’ exposure to electronics and screen time. Then I suggested candy cigarettes, but she was quick to point out the dangers of giving kids sugar. This is why I love her‐ she’s always looking at the big picture when it comes to our family’s health.
Finally, we decided if Winston cigarettes were good enough for Fred Flintstone, they would be good enough for our children, so we bought him a carton and placed it under his pillow after telling him the “Binky Fairy” would be coming to take his binky away and leave him a present instead. Now, I know what you’re thinking‐ did you really think this whole idea through? You know, because he didn’t have any way to light the cigarettes himself? Come on, we’re not monsters‐ we got him his very own Zippo lighter with awesome smoking cartoon cats.
We’re just hoping he doesn’t want an eyepatch like that cool cat in the corner.
So now all we could do was wait.
The next morning, our little guy was so excited he could barely speak. We told him all about how the Binky Fairy wants him to smoke at least two packs per day and pretty soon he won’t even remember his Binky. Although he was uncertain, he trusted his parents, so he put the cigarette to his lips and took a puff. The kid was a trooper, even though he must have been in the early stages of a cold because he kept coughing and vomiting. But in the end, we had done our duty as parents; we got our son off of the Binky, and even bought him a piggy bank to keep all of his Marlboro Miles because it’s never too early to learn financial responsibility.
Although the idea was ours, we would be remiss if we didn’t thank the Binky Fairy for all of his help. His rugged yet calming manner was really the key ingredient to our success. We promised our son we would take him to see that kind Binky Fairy soon, so we’re already planning our next family vacation to somewhere called “Flavor Country”.
Thank you, Binky Fairy.
I mean, after such a huge parenting win, we all deserve a vacation, right?
This entire article is satire, hence the heading “Fake News”. If you already posted something rightfully indignant about it on social media, you may want to rethink that move.