Congressman Guy Reschenthaler, a Republican representing Pennsylvania’s 14th District, recently traveled to the United States/Mexico border to take photos designed to make him look important as a way to compensate for his shortcomings as a legislator, his lack of compassion for people of color, and presumably, a small penis.
Reschenthaler and several Congressional colleagues visited Customs and Border Protection (CBP) and Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) facilities in McAllen, Donna, and Los Fresnos, Texas, where they saw firsthand the security and humanitarian crisis currently unfolding due to the inhumane actions of the Trump administration, (which Reschenthaler blindly supports).
“This Crisis at the Border is Deeply Troubling, Even Though I Totally Support Trump Putting Brown Kids in Cages.”
“What I witnessed in the Rio Grande Valley was deeply troubling,” said Reschenthaler. “Even as we were standing on the border, it was very difficult to properly pose for the perfect photo that showed off my rugged masculinity along with my boyish charm. Cartoonish characters like Consuela the maid from Family Guy, Speedy Gonzalez, the Taco Bell dog, Bumblebee Man from the Simpsons, and Snoopy’s brother (and likely Chain Migration enthusiast) Spike are abusing our broken immigration laws to enrich themselves with lucrative acting careers. They make millions of dollars while portraying Mexicans as non-violent while we all know that anyone with brown skin is a dangerous criminal who must be treated with zero human dignity of any kind.”
“My BFF, Long-Time Radio Co-Host, and Fellow D-Bag Carl Higbie? Never Heard of Him.”
Congressman Reschenthaler is a clear expert in immigration policy, based on his past experience of co-hosting a radio program with Carl Higbie, who resigned from the Trump administration in 2018 over “anti-gay, anti-Muslim, racist and sexist remarks he had made on his radio program.” Reschenthaler also wrote the foreword to Higbie’s self-published 2012 book, despite later claiming to disavow before he then proceeded to write the forward. Of course, Reschenthaler is quoted as saying that he read parts of the book and citing those parts approvingly, clearly proving he is a pretty terrible liar as well as a terrible person. Reschenthaler was also quoted as claiming that “multiculturalism” that was “destroying the fabric of the country,” which naturally makes him a perfect person to provide an objective view on the situation taking place at the southern border. (Editor’s Note: Although this article is satirical in nature, everything in the preceding paragraph is actually true and was taken from Reschenthaler’s Wikipedia page.)
Reschenthaler also explained in detail the level of persistence and dedication that went into ensuring he maximized the photo-op, particularly the difficult decision to choose between a David Caruso “CSI” vibe and a Don Johnson “Miami Vice” approach. “The key is bringing together all of the elements- the hair, the sunglasses, and the ability to pretend that you give a rat’s ass about anyone with brown skin. It took hours out here in the sun, and six brave white shirts were sacrificed to sweat throughout the day.” Reschenthaler noted that styling his look after Miami Vice character Tubbs over the caucasian Crockett was a non-starter because “multiculturalism is destroying the fabric of the country” (which again, is something this jackalope actually said).
“I’m Not a White Nationalist- I Just Play One on TV. Just Kidding- I’m Totally a White Nationalist in Real Life, Too.”
Congressman Reschenthaler, who seems to be running for a new office every other week, would not address rumors that the photo-op was intended to showcase his sunglass-wearing skills to executives at CBS in an attempt to land his own “CSI” spin-off. But sources tell us that Reschenthaler is actively working with longtime collaborator and Trump administration cast-off (let that sink in for a minute) Carl Higbie on a pitch for a fifth series in the long-running television franchise, tentatively titled “CSI: White Nationalism.”
Ironically, the series plans to shoot in Mexico to take advantage of lower production costs.