We need to talk about Tomi Lahren.

Tomi Lahren is an American conservative political commentator who built a brand around her cutting and unrelenting “takes” on the political news of the day, especially when the story can be spun to criticize Democrats, minorities, and anyone who doesn’t want to Make America Great Again. She is best known for her “Final Thoughts” segment on The Blaze, which I’m pretty sure broadcasts from a burned out Shoney’s down the street from Glenn Beck’s house.

Tomi was fired by The Blaze in March 2016 for appearing on The View, where she let it slip she isn’t 100% opposed to abortion, a critical litmus test for conservatives who want to preach about freedom except for when it comes to a woman having the freedom to make her own decisions. But that’s a subject for another day.

tomi lahren naked
In fairness, I’m wearing my Republican t-shirt and booty shorts set right now.

Tomi Lahren has been described as brash, opinionated, a spitfire, a hellraiser, a firebrand, patriotic, and an American hero unflinching in her convictions.

And oh yeah, she’s hot. Like smoking hot.

Why is everyone so afraid to point out the obvious fact that Tomi Lahren is incredibly attractive? Is it supposed to be a secret or something? I hate to burst everyone’s collective bubble, but I would guess Tomi already knows she’s pretty good-looking. Her Instagram account, which could be mistaken for the Instagram of “Sorority Girl White Lives Matter” Barbie, includes a link from Maxim magazine inviting us to “check out the 12 hottest pics of pol pundit @TomiLahren.” Considering her Instagram feed is literally 518 photos of herself, it’s safe to say Tomi Lahren is fairly confident in her appearance.

Tomi Lahren thot
“Wait a minute- why isn’t Tomi sitting behind a desk? Oh yeah, it’s so we can see her brains better.”

I’ll freely admit the first time I saw one of Lahren’s “Final Thoughts” segments, I was drawn in by her appearance… for about seven seconds. When I started listening to what she was actually saying, I wanted to punch a hole in my computer screen. I’m a red-blooded American male, and it’s not blasphemous to acknowledge somebody is physically attractive.

So why am I bringing up Tomi’s looks at all? The enlightened among us would say, “It doesn’t matter what she looks like on the outside. She should be judged by her words and actions, not her appearance.”

Not this time. Not only does it matter that Tomi Lahren is hot, it fucking matters a whole lot.

One of Lahren’s big themes is attacking the Black Lives Matter movement, defending police brutality against minorities, and everything else you need to spew to earn a crisp white pillowcase and a torch. But how in the world is Tomi Lahren even remotely qualified to speak with any authority whatsoever about the treatment of minorities in America? It’s not only insulting, but it’s also dangerous.

The experience Tomi Lahren had growing up as a beautiful blond girl in America disqualifies her from the exposure to very types of inequality that are essential to understanding the nuances of the extremely complicated and politically charged issues she loves. Her American Experience sits at the polar opposite of those people she so casually assigns thought, blame, and motive towards with far too much ease, not nearly enough empathy, and almost zero reality.

tomi lahren nazi
“My Nazi uniform was at the dry cleaner’s so I wore the closest thing I could find.”

Let’s just put all of our cards on the table here. Tomi Lahren gets treated the way all Beautiful People in America get treated. Every joke is funny. Every comment is insightful. Every story is epic. They’re not more or less intelligent as a group compared to everyone else, but the overwhelming majority of people in America are wanna-be star-fuckers, both literally and figuratively. Beautiful People usually get treated better than most people around them. It’s just a fact.

All of this in of itself isn’t Tomi’s fault, and it wouldn’t be fair to criticize her based on her appearance alone. But what I can criticize her for is her bullshit dismissal of the obvious. By acting as though the positive bias towards her doesn’t exist, Tomi Lahren is moving the goal posts for everyone who wasn’t prom queen. If Tomi’s America is “regular” America, then the disenfranchised become outliers and extremists, and we’re encouraged to treat them accordingly.

And let’s not forget Tomi’s first-rate hypocrisy. After demonizing Obamacare up one side and down the other, Lahren revealed just last week she is covered on her parents’ health insurance thanks to a provision of the Affordable Care Act. If Tomi were the free market loving, trickle-down crusader she’d have us believe, why not forego the benefits of Obamacare and buy her own health insurance, or even better yet, just pay her medical bills out of pocket at full cost? (Don’t worry, she quickly penned an op/ed to let everyone know she was misquoted by the evil mainstream media.)

There was a faint glimmer of hope when Tomi gave her actual opinion as a woman on abortion, but the conservative backlash pretty much guaranteed we’ll never see that Tomi again. It’s all sticking to the script from here on out, which is a shame. Instead of being a leader, Tomi has taken a hard right turn towards becoming Ann Coulter-lite, which we need about as much as Anthony Scaramucci needs his fifteen thousand recently-ordered White House business cards.

I have zero problems with Tomi Lahren using her good looks and sexuality to enhance her brand; on the contrary, I’m all for it. As for her personal choices, whatever they may be, that’s nobody’s business but hers. My criticisms of Tomi aren’t “slut-shaming” because I am in no way implying Tomi Lahren is a slut, and there’s no punchline there. I mean it.

But sticking a twenty-four-year-old who could easily be a one-woman cheerleading squad for Team White Privilege into the middle of these incendiary political and social topics and then propping her up as the standard for the average American Experience is just incredibly wrong. It’s a dog whistle for an audience who already hears too many voices most rational people don’t. It promotes the kind of rhetoric that gets people killed for no good reason whatsoever. It gets kids killed for wearing a hoodie in the wrong neighborhood.

So here’s the million dollar question. Does Tomi know she’s being used as a mouthpiece by some repulsive people with equally repulsive viewpoints and she’s totally cool with it? If so, she’s just a sellout. Or does Lahren genuinely fancy herself a brilliant thought leader who just happens to be a hottie? If so, she’s incredibly naive.

Either way, Tomi Lahren has proven herself to be the nation’s foremost political thot, a symbol of everything keeping common sense and informed debate out of the public discourse. “Do as I say, not as I do, and if you start to have doubts, here is a picture of me in a skimpy outfit holding a gun.” #Murica

tomi lahren gun
Oh, did you think I was kidding about the gun thing? Sure wasn’t.

(I considered explaining what a thot was, Tomi, but since you purport yourself to be such an authority about what’s happening on on the streets, I didn’t want to insult your intelligence.)


  1. nmbioguy

    Tomi Lahren is just another RW media whore who gets health benefits because of the Affordable Care Act. She’s a hypocrite of the first order.

  2. The following is in no way any type of endorsement of Lahren, but if you are going to claim that you are NOT slut-shaming her you probably might want to cease the use of THOT. Just sayin’