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Goose in the Gallows welcomes back our resident guest contributor. You may know him from church on Sundays, or when he created the Earth by fighting off the dinosaurs with his bare hands 5,000 years ago. Please welcome back God. God here. First, thanks for pulling me away from the start of my busy season, but it’s no big deal because those Christmas miracles just perform themselves, right? Anyhow, I’m taking the time to pop in for another guest post because you people must be monumentally stupid. Okay, I’m gonna keep this short and sweet, because quite frankly I’m amazed we even need to have this conversation. We all know what a shitshow the whole Roy Moore thing has become, let’s get down to brass tacks. First and foremost: I (GOD) AM NOT COOL WITH ANYONE SEXUALLY ASSAULTING ANYONE ELSE. AND IN CASE YOU NEED CLARIFICATION, I AM EXTREMELY…

Goose in the Gallows is thrilled to welcome our newest guest contributor. You may know him from church on Sundays, or when he created the Earth by fighting off the dinosaurs with his bare hands 5,000 years ago. Please welcome our newest columnist, God. So I’m chilling up here in heaven yesterday, minding my own business, catching up on my Tinder account, when all of a sudden my Google Alerts start blowing up with this: I gave you permission to wipe out the North Koreans? Huh? I’d ask if I’d missed something, but I’m omnipotent, so I’m just going to call bullshit on this one right now. I want to get this on the record, lest there be any confusion later on. Despite what Donald Trump and his band of merry morons would have you believe, I had absolutely nothing to do with this bullshit. Even I don’t fuck with…