Congressman Guy Reschenthaler, a Republican who represents Pennsylvania’s 14th Congressional District despite a history of supporting radical racists and homophobes, was honored by President Donald J. Trump during a visit to the White House earlier this week. After a moment of silence for the entire population of Alabama for surviving Hurricane Dorian, the pair spent several hours in the Oval Office making fun of citizens of the Bahamas who are now homeless refugees. Clearly moved by the Congressman’s disdain for people with brown skin, the President then invited Reschenthaler to participate in a thumb-sniffing contest underneath the famed Resolute Desk.
“Obviously, it was a tremendous honor to sniff the President’s thumb,” gushed Reschenthaler, who said that as a teenager used to lie in bed and dream about such an encounter. “I get emotional just thinking about all the places that thumb has been,” Reschenthaler said, as his eyes welled up in tears. “Moments like this are why I ran for Congress.” To prove his point, Reschenthaler then provided reporters with this unsolicited photo of him in bed as a teenager thinking about Donald Trump:
The President took to Twitter to express his admiration for Congressman Reschenthaler:
When asked why Reschenthaler was singled out for a Presidential thumb sniffing, White House Press Secretary Stephanie Grisham issued the following statement:
Congressman Reschenthaler displays many qualities that President Trump admires; his proclivity for political opportunism and general tone-deafness, for example, are admirable traits for any Republican. But two moments stood out for the President as indicators that Congressman Reschenthaler has what it takes to help Make America Great Again.
The first was when Guy cited his experience as a small-town magistrate while explaining how the legal system works to Robert Mueller on national television. Come on, folks. That has “Trumpism” written all over it in bright red crayon.
But the real reason that caught President Trump’s eye is Guy’s longtime support of racist rhetoric, dating back to when he co-hosted a radio show with former Trump Administration official Carl Higbie. I mean, Congressman Reschenthaler wrote a book forward for a guy who had to resign from our administration for “anti-gay, anti-Muslim, racist and sexist remarks.” Think about that for a minute. “Anti-gay, anti-Muslim, racist, and sexist” are like Donald Trump’s take on Franklin Roosevelt’s Four Freedoms. If you’re too extreme to serve in this administration, you have serious problems. And in case you’re looking for a measuring stick on what this President is willing to tolerate, look no further than Stephen Miller.White House Press Secretary Stephanie
When pressed for specifics on the smell of Trump’s thumb, Reschenthaler replied, “I’m not exactly sure what heaven smells like, but I have to any part of Donald Trump’s body comes pretty darn close.” The Congressman went on to describe the smell as “a mix of Adderall, borscht, Kentucky Fried Chicken, fracking fluid, and what I’m about 70% sure was human semen.”
Not to be outdone, President Trump reciprocated by sniffing Reschenthaler’s thumb. He noted the Congressman’s thumb smelled just like the Cheeseburger Macaroni Hamburger Helper that Trump ate for breakfast that morning. When asked about the seemingly unusual connection, Reschenthaler cleared his throat and said, “My thumb goes wherever the President of the United States says it goes.” For his part, President Trump simply patted Reschenthaler on the head and smiled.
When reached for comment, Betty Crocker spokesman Frank Stoosh said, “Betty Crocker is honored that President Trump is among the millions of Americans who make Cheeseburger Macaroni Hamburger Helper an integral part of their diet. However, we believe the triple-quality taste of Hamburger Helper and the entire family of Betty Crocker products should not be a subject of political debate and therefore wish President Trump and his thumb nothing but the best.”
However, not everyone was happy with Congressman Reschenthaler’s brush with greatness. State Senator Camera Bartolotta, whose district overlaps Reschenthaler’s, took to Facebook to brag about her own encounter with Trump’s hand. (EDITOR’S NOTE: The following Facebook post is real, which is just incredibly creepy):
There has been no word from Bartolotta, who is also known for a scandalous performance in a film called “Lucifer’s Unholy Desire” (also not a joke- check it out here), as to which parts of the President’s body she may have sniffed while aboard Air Force One. The White House also declined to comment, saying only that Mr. Trump’s thumb is not under investigation at the present time.