And they say kids don’t make lists to stay organized anymore. This highly entertaining “2017 Bucket List” is making its way around the Twitter-sphere:

bucket list 2017

I mean, this is a comprehensive list. Here’s an easy to read breakdown, with the completed items in blue:

  • Stage AE concert
  • Go to a party
  • Have sex
  • Give 2 blowjobs
  • Go to Kennywood
  • 8 hoe pics for Instagram
  • Sports game
  • hu (hook up) w/ Jacob (again)
  • Road trip
  • Camp in a backyard
  • Decorate room
  • Head darty (?)
  • Binge new Netflix series
  • Get a manicure
  • Get a pedicure
  • Randyland
  • Get drunk all the time
  • Get crossfaded (drunk and high at the same time) 17 times
  • Do summer reading
  • Go on a picnic
  • Pet a giraffe
  • Make food from ig (Instagram) & Pinterest
  • Go to Flagstaff drunk
  • Use sparklers
  • Get a boob hickey
  • Super wild birthday
  • Make a summer playlist (10 hours long)
  • Giant water balloon fight
  • Get a little tan
  • Buy Ray-Bans
  • Tie a message to a balloon and let it go
  • Go to the point
  • Have a lemonade stand w/ Zoe
  • Eat cotton candy
  • Go to the beach
  • Buy 7 bikinis
  • Fix home screen
  • Go ape
  • Go to a drive-in movie
  • Artsy 4th of July
  • Stargaze

That’s her summer? Damn, I haven’t done that much stuff in my entire life! So this girl is obviously from the Pittsburgh area, based on some of the places she referenced, and for the sake of every parent out there, let’s hope she’s not like twelve years old. Anyhow, a few observations on this masterpiece:

The potential for multitasking is enormous.

Some of the items on her list are pretty much made to go together, like camping in a backyard and hooking up w/ Jacob (again), or get drunk all the time and do summer reading. It would actually be a great game to randomly match two items on the list and see if they could be performed simultaneously.

Winners and Losers

There are some clear winners and losers on this list. Here’s a breakdown:

Winner: Jacob. She already hooked up w/ him again. He must be something special.

Loser: Artsy America. Unless this was found before the holiday, it appears she missed her goal of having an “artsy 4th of July”, but it does appear she did use sparklers, so it appears she went with flashy commercialism over artsy substance.

Winner: The local economy. She’s planning on dropping cash all over the region with some of these trips, so let’s give her credit for stimulating economic growth.

Loser: The city of Flagstaff. Just one more drunk roaming the streets. Will the insanity ever end? EDIT: This is actually in reference to Flagstaff Hill in Pittsburgh’s Schenley Park, where movies are regularly shown. Looks like the people of Arizona dodged a bullet on this one.

Winner: Zoe. She’s getting a taste of that sweet lemonade stand money.

“Zoe! Stop screwing around and get your ass back over here. Do you know how much lemonade we need to sell for me to get crossfaded 17 times?”

Loser: Jacob, when he finds out the girl he’s been hooking up with is giving blowies to two other dudes. #ouch

Winner: The two other dudes.

Loser: Her poor boob. “Get a boob hickey” is probably the best item on this list, but what did her poor boob do to deserve that kind of abuse? By the way, #boobhickey should be a thing.

boob hickey
“WTF Jacob? The list only says one boob hickey, not five!”

Winner: Teen Literacy. Come on, she did include her summer reading in the list. That has to count for something, right?

Loser: Whoever finds the balloon with the message. Unless she includes a copy of this list, they won’t be reading the best thing she’s ever written.

What’s With The Numbers?

There are some really specific numerical references on this list. Buy 7 bikinis. Make a 10-hour playlist. Get crossfaded 17 times. Give 2 blowjobs. 8 hoe pics for Instagram. I have to think those numbers all mean something…

beautiful mind
“Holy shit, her 7th bikini revealed the truth about the Illuminati. I knew it!”

Anyhow, we’ll probably never find out who the list-maker is, which is probably for the best. I’ll tell you one thing, though; I don’t know about you, but I’m gonna be keeping track of how many hoe pictures people are posting to Instagram. Whoever hits the magic number of 8 is a highly organized young woman who is certainly going places. Maybe not good places, but going nonetheless.