Sometimes redemption comes when you least expect it. When I heard the news earlier today that George Papadopulous pled guilty to federal charges of lying to the FBI, I couldn’t help derive a small dose of smug satisfaction at the turn of events. You see, I’ve known this Papadopulous guy was bad news from the very beginning, but nobody would listen. Let’s take a look at the facts.

Picture it: Pittsburgh, 1983. A wide-eyed five-year-old tyke parks himself in front of the television in a desperate attempt to fill a hole left by a total lack of competent parenting. Suddenly, a flash of synthetic turquoise fabric fills the screen, followed by a saccharine burst of synthesized music:

How did we not see the obvious signs right then and there? This Papadopoulos guy is clearly launching a spy balloon piloted by a young minority child with stunted development over Chicago in plain sight.

George Papadopoulos Webster

We should have all been on high alert the minute we saw the names “Steven and Madeline Sunshine”. It’s like the Soviets were mocking us in plain sight.


This is the face of a man with secrets. Dark secrets.

Even as a wide-eyed preschooler, I knew this guy was bad news from Day One. I tried writing to President Reagan multiple times, but my urgent pleas were met with silence. In a totally unrelated note, my parents, grandparents, and all of our immediate neighbors were audited by the IRS every year from 1986-2003.

How big was the conspiracy? We will likely never know now what sinister plans George Papadopoulos carried out against millions of freedom-loving Americans, which makes his guilty plea all these years later so terrifying. It’s quite possible Papadopoulos himself doesn’t know; after all, who better to turn sleeper agent than a retired NFL player? Nobody knew anything about CTE back then, thus creating the perfect cover story.

I think it’s high time we rounded up Papadopoulos’ associates to get some much-needed intel. I mean, look at his wife, Katherine Papadopoulos:

Susan Papadopoulos Webster

That is the face of a woman with some dark secrets. And why did she insist that her adopted son call her “Ma’am” instead of “Mom”? Sounds like someone was playing footsie with Boris when she should have been paying attention in spy school.

But among all the shady characters Papadopoulos associated with, this guy is the one who makes my blood run cold:

jesse white webster Papadopoulos

Even all these years later, I still can’t wrap my mind around what this dude must have been up to.

In retrospect, I think Emmanuel Lewis had to know something was up. It just makes sense. The stress of the secrets he was forced to keep clearly stunted his growth as he lived in fear of George Papadopoulos and whatever nefarious schemes he may have been plotting against the American people.

George Papadopoulos Webster

“I know where you sleep and I eat your weight in breakfast sausage, kid.”

As Robert Mueller’s investigation into Russian interference in the 2016 Election continues, I can’t help but wonder who else may emerge from the shadows as a central player. If the web of lies, deceit, and treachery run this deep, there is no limit to the size and scope of the threat to our Republic.

So, what I’m trying to say is, I tried to tell you people thirty-four years ago that George Papadopoulos was a bad dude, and look what happened when nobody listened. Maybe it’s time to start taking some of my other conspiracy theories from the 80’s a little more seriously. (SPOILER ALERT: Willie Aames may have been brainwashed by Scott Baio on the set of Charles in Charge and could actually be a Russian sleeper agent.)

Willie Aames Scott Baio Jesse White

We’re on to you, Aames. Just surrender now.

DISCLAIMER: I have actually corresponded with Willie Aames via Twitter, and that’s not a joke:

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