Donald Trump isn’t the only crazy thing in the news these days. Here are 10 real stories that actually happened last week:
This is not a joke. Apparently, 150 couples had so little respect for their spouse‐to‐be, they entered a contest to win an actual wedding at Taco Bell. The hardest part is deciding what bathroom to go to for the honeymoon.
Ah, yes. The old “cocaine for pancake mix swap out” game; it’s like three card monte for the criminally stupid. You have to figure these guys will end up working in the prison kitchen before it’s all said and done. Or dead in the shower. Could really go either way.
Considering parents freak out over someone eating peanuts within 200 feet of their kid whether he’s allergic or not, how did the teachers at this school not stop and think someone MIGHT have a complaint about kids being asked to pen their own suicide notes? Maybe they just assumed the parents wouldn’t care enough about their kids’ education to actually check on their homework? Or maybe they are just incredibly stupid? Personally, I’m leaning towards incredibly stupid.
Before everyone goes getting all triggered here, how in the fuck is anyone supposed to know if these are for people or dogs? Personally, I’m splitting the blame here between the store for putting dog treats in the kids’ snack section and those sick bastards at Hanna‐Barbara for creating a character who clearly treads the line between man and man’s best friend. And don’t even get us started on that asshole Scrappy.
Oh, Canada. A pest chews through a wire and knocks out power for hundreds of people, and you make the welfare of the squirrel the centerpiece of the story. This is a real quote: “I don’t really want to comment on the state of the squirrel, but it’s safe to say if it came into contact with the wires, things wouldn’t be in the squirrel’s favour.”
Lots of places to go with this one. First, it’s never cool when anyone dies‐ let’s just get that out of the way up front. We all knew it was a matter of time before this greatest generation of Instagram models began to leave us, but am I the only one who thought the first cause of death would be resting duck face? Sure, we all had “exploding whipped cream can” in our top five, but first? I’m not sure if the lesson here is to avoid whippets or stay off of Instagram, so I’ll just do both. You do have to wonder how many ugly girls are killed by whipped cream can explosions every year that we never hear about; who will tell their stories?
The robber broke into the family’s home, stole money, and then made them take him shopping at Target? Dude, was robbing their house not enough? Unless these people have some sort of secret Target Black Card nobody has ever heard of, what the hell were you thinking? “So, I pulled off the robbery without a hitch, so let’s up the ante by forcing a family of four, including two children, into their car so we can all go on a shopping spree at Target? Presumably if the family already shops at Target, couldn’t he have just stolen all of their stuff from the house?
Dude, do you think you’re the first person who wanted to fight a five‐year‐old kid? Of course not. Most of us want to fight young children on a daily basis; that’s just how it is in Donald Trump’s America. But you turned a kid upside down, pinned him and screamed at him in front of other parents and kids because the kid grabbed your Father’s Day card and was acting like, you know, a five‐year‐old kid? Sure, we all know the Apple Tree Day Care Center is a rough neighborhood and you need to do what’s necessary to survive, but how do you think your kid will ever have any other memory of Father’s Day than the time his dad bitch‐slapped one of his friends? Sounds like someone shouldn’t have skipped nap time.
Who orders $40,000 worth of purses? Like what does that even look like? Is it just one really, really nice purse or 5,000 really crappy purses? Give credit to Matt Wang, the lucky unintended recipient, for returning them to Neiman Marcus, but what choice did he have? If he had tried to sell the purses on the street nobody would have believed they were real, and who needs $40,000 worth of purses cluttering up your garage? I do enjoy the fact that in retrospect, he’s pissed at himself for returning the merchandise. No good deed goes unpunished, Mr. Wang.
This really feels like an Alabama or Mississippi story more than a Kentucky story, but the real gem is hidden midway through the article itself. “There was a cat, the chicken, a donkey, a little boy” among the candidates who lost to Mayor Brynneth Pawltro (her actual name‐ typical Hollywood elitist meddling in politics). Isn’t the real story “Human being loses actual election to dog, cat, chicken and donkey”? That poor kid is going to be telling this tragic tale on every therapist’s couch south of the Mason‐Dixon line for the rest of his life. And what kind of parents put their kid up against a dog in a town that has elected dogs as Mayor in the past three elections? Talk about terrible parenting.